I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
