We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
