I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
