Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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