Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
