I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
