I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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