The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
