im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize