Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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