I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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