my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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