ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I want is dick and wine.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
