He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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