I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
