i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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