If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
