just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My ATM looks so different sober.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
