Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The air was thick with penises
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
