tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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