moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
