I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Houston, we have a blender
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
