i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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