Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
even my farts smell like vagina
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
