return my video game
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize