ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
