Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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