I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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