He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
