i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
