I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
