i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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