She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
