just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
