Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
