hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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