I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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