We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize