Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
