Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
