but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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