I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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