I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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