i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
