She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
