The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
