i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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