i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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