We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
