I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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