Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
