Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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