got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
