So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
