just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
