I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
