12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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